He told me. I missed it.

After a few weeks on the psychiatric ward I had become close to a few other patients. One in particular.
We chatted, joked, shared our crap, in tiny stages. 5 or 10 minutes each day that’s all.
One day the ward gossip was about another patient that had not swallowed her pills, but stored them – old trick – don’t know how that got past the staff…¬†Scandal, gossip… when the days are long and empty it passes the time.

My friend said – who knows how many other people on the ward have stuff hidden away that nobody knows about.
Yeah – I said – not really listening.

The next day my friend told me he’d handed in some ‘equipment’ that he’d been hiding.
I was so glad he surrendered it himself.
I was so shocked that I missed his hint. He told me. I missed it.

He was ok
and best case scenario is always for someone to get their own help.
But.
What shocked me was

– He told me
– He wanted me to hear
– He couldn’t spell it out
– I missed it
– We do miss each other so many times a day

I will try to listen better. I will try to spell out what I want.

My brain sometimes gives me the same effect as medication

I’ve had a couple of striking and strange sensations after taking medication for depression. I’m not talking side effects here, but ‘front’ effects, the reason for taking the medication in the first place.

One was of a weird turning of the head from the downward spiral to the opening of possibilities outside my ‘cage’.
The other is a spreading numbness – almost physical that helped me not to kill myself in a desperate attempt to escape the pain.

Both of these I’ve had both with and without medication.
The numb sensation is not nice but can come on so abruptly that it almost feels like an anaesthetic injection spreading through me.
The ‘weird’ turning to the light sensation is very unsettling, very positive, but so strong that it is quite frightening.

I know I’m capable of creating a good environment in my head and have had a glimpse of the tools at my disposal, but I¬†feel like a toddler in charge of a power tool.

Here ends today’s thought!